Have You Ever
by Shineera
Summary: The all too famous lamppost conversation... in Alistair's POV. Once a part of Lost Moments, posted separately for better organization. FemCousland/Alistair


"So... tell me. Have _you_ ever licked a lamppost in the winter?"

Not my best metaphor, I'm well aware, but the shocked look on her face and her arched eyebrow were more than worth it. But the prompt and quick response... that I wasn't quite ready for.

"Well yes, yes I have."

"Ah, really? And you didn't lose half of your tongue in the process? I'm quite impressed, I must say."

I felt my palms sweating a bit and, _damn it are they actually shaking?_ I tried to chuckle the nervousness away and give off my charming flair.

"Well, I myself never quite had the pleasure..."

"Of what, licking lampposts?" a sly smile danced on her lips and she cocked her head sideways, looking at me with daring eyes.

"Well, hum yes." she really wasn't making this conversation all that easy, now was she "Not that I didn't think about it, but... well you know... chantry life and all, praying to the Maker, polishing swords... wait."

_Did I really just say that? Out loud?_

Her grin got wider and wider and all I could feel was a hot flush rushing into my cheeks and the distinctive taste of my own foot carefully lodged in my mouth.

"What I meant is, they taught us to be gentlemen..." there you go Alistair, perfect opportunity... "especially with beautiful women such as yourself." and score!

All of a sudden, Ariadne's smile subsided and she looked at me with those pensive yet inscrutable eyes that just drive me into insanity. Was she pitying me, feeling sorry for the awkward boy who couldn't help but babble or was she just preparing to wack me in the head with the nearest tree branch? Damn those eyes. Those beautiful eyes. It's maddening really.

Slowly and carefully, she planted a hand on her hip and said, with a low voice "You think I'm beautiful?"

The tone of her voice made me shiver into my very core, resonating in my ears and making me picture all kinds of things that would've made me get struck by lightning or savagely attacked by a band of blood thirsty birds, all courtesy of the Maker. But I managed to gather what little self control I had and actually turn some of my thoughts (the good ones) into words.

"Of course you are! And I'm sure you know it! Not only that, you're ravishing, resourceful, incredibly good at turning darkspawn into easily disposable small bits... all that and more."

Sometimes I just can't really believe how awesome I am. Not only had I managed the dreaded terrible...err... _lamppost_ question, I had also turned it into an exquisite opportunity to just flatter her out of her wits. I really wish I had a scoreboard sometimes. Not that kind of scoreboard. Why am I arguing with my own logic?

And then there was that smile again... the one that I felt could melt the entire Frostback Mountains. Well it sure melted mine. But my flattery apparently produced nothing more but that smile (not that I'm exactly complaining) and she just wished me a good night and walked to her tent. I couldn't help but feel slightly disapointed, I mean, not a single kiss or a hug or... I somehow couldn't help but feel that the entire conversation was nothing but a big fiasco. Well yes she started it but asking her if she had ever licked a lamppost... I mean, _are you serious?_ I felt like a fool and rightfully so. Not even a single kiss. Well done Alistair.

* * *

The last couple of days she wasn't exactly _distant_... but I didn't feel her as close either. I kept wondering if our little light-hearted conversation had a negative effect on our relationship. When before every single excuse was good enough to get me alone and steal a few kisses, now it seemed that she always had someone with her, either Leliana, or Wynne or even... Maker's breath... _Zevran_. Sometimes I almost could feel her eyes on me but when I turned to steal a glance at her it all seemed like nothing but a figment of my imagination.

So when Ariadne volunteered to go and pick up some wood for the fire tonight, I was more than happy to offer to carry it for her. She flashed me of those infuriatingly enigmatic smiles and motioned with her head to follow her, which I did. She didn't utter a word other than "Let's go over here" or "This way" and it was driving me to the brink of insanity. When we were a fair amount of distance away from the camp, I decided that it was time to clear my throat and make a relevant comment.

"Today's a nice day isn't it?"

Not quite what I had in mind, but it would have to do. She stopped dead in her tracks and turned to face me, a raised eyebrow and a slight smirk dancing on her lips.

"That's probably why we haven't met any darkspawn yet, they're enjoying the outdoors and sunshine."

I was seriously beginning to think that somehow, someway a cat had snuck into the camp and ate her tongue because a single word from her was quickly becoming a rarity. When she turned away and started walking once more, I couldn't bear it any longer. In a quick reflex, I grabbed her by the waist and pulled her towards me, holding her tightly against me and looking right down into her eyes. Her arms were caught between herself and my chest so there was not much room for movement or even a carefully planned escape. At least I hoped not.

"Alistair..." she said, with a tone of voice that was more along the lines of don't-have-any-cookies-or-you'll-spoil-your-supper than anything else. Wait, when you look at it that way... alright then, focus!

"Well my lady, I see we've gotten ourselves in quite the situation here. All alone, in the middle of the woods and you find yourself trapped in the arms of a handsome and fearsome warrior. Whatever could you do?"

Suddenly she was a little bit taller, getting on her tip toes so her face was more leveled with mine.

"I don't know, ser templar. Whatever could I do?" she whispered, biting her lower lip and looking at me underneath her lashes, not being able to hide the lovely blush that had taken over her cheeks.

It was all too much for me so next thing I know, I'm still clinging to her and kissing her with all the repressed passion that I had accumulated in the past days, feeling her lips on mine and caressing her tongue, feeling her taste and softness. She freed her arms and wrapped them around me, caressing my hair with the tip of her fingers right down to my neck, in a way that made me feel like I was getting small electric shocks into my brain.

She planted small little kisses around my mouth and finally nipped on my lower lip, letting go of me on my most vulnerable state, simply holding my hand and waiting for some reaction from my part.

"See, it's always better to have a feast when you've been hungry for days."

"And here I was thinking you were just mad at me. Turns out, you're just plain evil."

A hint of confusion crossed her expression "Why would I ever be mad at you?"

"Well..." I circled around her and wrapped her in my arms "...with all that conversation we had, maybe I was a bit too forward... I don't know, maybe I-"

I felt her shaking as she chuckled in my arms "Oh Alistair, for the love of... why would I be mad with that? It's not like any of us is well versed in the matter."

"Oh? That's not quite what I remember, actually I distinctively recall you saying that you licked a lamppost back in the day..."

She squirmed out of my embrace and ran off to a nearby tree, leaning against it and laughing out loud.

"Why yes, yes I did. And then Fergus had to go and get me out of that mess, which I was more than happy to because being told off by my big brother was a much better option than losing my tongue altogether. That was an experience I won't repeat."

Now it was my turn to be confused. Here I was, even in the midst of my terrible metaphors, thinking that she had actually admitted to... you know... _doing it_, and turns out she was actually talking about lampposts. In the winter. And licking them. I didn't know whether to look at her like she had two heads or to just laugh at my own stupidity and naiveté. So I took the safe option and just stood there looking bewildered.

"Alistair..." she crossed her arms and there it was, that mischievous smile she wore so well "I was the daughter of a noble, that was more interested in watching her brother sparring and stealing Orlesian novels from her maids than exactly in boys and such. And even if I did, there weren't exactly any handsome young men running amok my own home."

Suddenly, I didn't feel as awkward and inadequate. To feel that I wasn't the only one, that she as well had never been with anyone to that level... it was comforting, in a way.

"Well..." I placed a hand on my chin and tried to look pensive "...don't tell me you never had a thing for the stable boy."

She smacked me in the arm and tried to hide her own laughter "Oh the stable boy, yes... and where oh where would we be having those oh so torrid nights of passion, ser templar? The stables?" she said in an amused and overly theatrical voice.

"Don't tell me you weren't willing to follow the young, handsome stable boy to, well, what else, the stables?" I took a step forward and raised an eyebrow, completely and utterly amused with where this was going.

"No, not really..." she lowered her eyes and turned her attention to a bush near her, ripping out some of its leaves "... but I'd be willing to follow the chantry boy to his tent." she finally ushered, giving me her best bedroom eyes, if I had ever seen such a thing.

All the blood in my body rushed up to my face and my vocabulary suddenly became non-existent. Follow me to my tent? She was talking about me, wasn't she? Here I was thinking she was mad due to all the talk about frozen sources of light and such and, to my surprise, she was actually... propositioning me?

Her loud laughter snapped me out of my dumbfounded state and only managed to make me look even more confused. Was she laughing at me? What did I do?

"Leliana told me that you said you had something to show me. That's what I meant." she lightly tapped me on the shoulder and continued to giggle "What can I say, I'm curious. Now, let's go and pick some more wood and you can show whatever it is you want to show me."

That's the one thing I needed, besides everything else, Leliana to go and blab her mouth off to Ariadne about the gift I wanted to give her. I had the rose neatly tucked away in my tent but I wanted it to be a romantic and loving surprise, not exactly the consequence of failed innuendo.

She suddenly stopped and gave me an inquisitive look. By now, I was just praying for the Maker to make all of this go away. I couldn't tell if she was laughing at me or just incredibly enamored and my poor brain already ceased to function a few moments ago so discerning things... yes, an impossible task.

"It doesn't have anything to do with lampshades, now does it?"

Evil, evil woman. One day, I'll get you.


End file.
